In the simplest terms, bullying means one person, or group of persons, being deliberately cruel to another person or group, for any reason. Although childhood bullies are usually quite easy to spot, adult bullies can be sly, subtle, and difficult to expose. A life-long bully has had years of practice. Some have learned to be very cunning indeed. Some hide behind masks of authority, superior knowledge, money or other type of power. Some are good at finding plausible excuses to justify their cruelty. How can we possibly rationalize this behavior in adults? Those who are bullies in childhood often continue to be bullies as adults. The victims of adult bullying may find little or no sympathy from their co-workers, friends and family members
It’s indisputable that grown-ups should know better, and the fact that they continue to harass is despicable. And today, bullying often happens online, which creates a long-lasting emotional sting. Your keyboard can be used as a lethal weapon today, and sadly more adults have caught on. But all bullies have one thing in common: they want to hurt someone. Being the victim of a bully can be a devastating experience, and can affect every aspect of a person’s life long after the bully has moved on to another victim.
Bullying is learned behaviour. As children, adult bullies were likely not taught how to communicate their needs, wants and goals in a healthy fashion. They may have observed their parents’ bully-like interactions with others and learned to mimic the behaviour. “In the workplace, people often put up with bullying because they’re afraid they could lose their jobs if they speak up,” says Beth Hedva, a psychologist in Calgary and author of Betrayal, Trust and Forgiveness (Ten Speed, 2001). “It’s a very unhealthy position to be in.” According to the Canada Safety Council, a bully is censored, transferred or terminated in only 13 per cent of cases. Sadly, of the people who complained about being bullied, 37 per cent were terminated. “The bully sees the use of threat, whether it is physical, financial or emotional, as the only way to get ahead,” says Dr. Anthony Ocana, a family physician in Vancouver.
Many of us assume that a bully picks on people who are weaker; misfits or loners. But, like in childhood, this couldn’t be further from the truth. The Canada Safety Council says adult bullies often choose targets who are capable and dedicated employees, or intelligent and attractive adults whose interpersonal style tends to be non-confrontational. Downsizing, threats of layoffs and a corporate culture of competitiveness have created unstable work environments where anyone will do anything to keep his or her position.
Alarmingly, 84 per cent of those bullied are women, say the authors. Women in higher positions who feel they lack the skills of some of their subordinates may resort to bullying that involves intimidation by forming cliques and gossiping in an effort to exclude women who are seen as threats.
The bully is often successful in making his target feel isolated and insecure. The individual may lose confidence in her abilities, whether it’s on the job, on the PTA or as a parent participating in one of her child’s sport programs. She may become depressed, suffer from insomnia and even post-traumatic stress disorder and need medical attention, particularly if her livelihood is being threatened.
Much time and effort are spent trying to discover what motivates a person to bully others, especially in childhood, where this type of behaviour usually begins. On-the-spot amateur psychology, however, probably won’t spare you any hurt when a bully comes to call. Remember that, if you find yourself the victim of bullying, a bully’s bad behaviour is entirely his or her responsibility, not yours, no matter what the bully may tell you. Compassion has an important role in rooting out the causes of bullying, but in practical terms, it is unproductive to waste time trying to ‘mend’ a bully, or ‘understand’ how he or she came to enjoy such cruel behaviour, whilst you are being made a victim. When faced with a bully, your responsibility is to protect yourself from the emotional, social, or physical harm that the bully intends to cause.
Frequently, bullying behaviour is obvious, even if the victim feels he or she can do nothing about it. Physical, verbal or sexual assaults are hard to mistake. But identifying someone as a bully is not always as easy as it sounds. The cruelty meted out by bullies can be subtle, insidious, and cloaked in the most plausible of disguises.
When someone is bullying you, it is unlikely that there is anything you can say or do to make the bully feel like being nice to you. The best strategy is to change how you respond to the bullying behaviour. Bullying behaviour cannot continue to have its desired effect if the intended victim successfully stands up to the bully. Once you have identified a bully and know what to expect from him or her, you can choose not to be a victim, if you want the bullying to stop. Expose the bullying for what it is. Take a stand, and don’t back down.
The anguish, fear, and dread a bully is trying to make his or her victim feel can get in the way of a successful defence for the victim. Bullies tend not to pick on those who can fend for themselves; a bully’s enjoyment depends on a victims’ inability (or unwillingness) to fight back. Most bullies are careful to do their bullying when no witnesses are about. Making a creditable complaint against a bully who is generally liked, admired, or respected for some position of authority, can be extremely difficult, and possibly hazardous, for the victim. If you are a bully’s victim, and you perceive, for whatever reason, that you cannot defend yourself, all is not lost.
Try The Following:
Tell someone you trust. Find a safe person and tell him or her what’s been happening to you. Name names and give details. Make your situation very clear. This may require a bit of courage, but you can find it.
Arrange for a witness to the bullying. For instance, if you know that the person who bullies you picks certain times or situations to victimize you, ask someone you trust to watch or listen when the bullying takes place. This works best if the witness is physically present for the event, and the bully is unaware of being watched or overheard. If, however, you must use any type of technology to record the bullying, find out first whether or not what you are doing is legally admissible. In some instances, CCTV footage may already be available. Do your homework and be prepared.
Confront the bully. You can do this yourself if you feel able; your trusted person or witness can do it on your behalf; you can hire a solicitor; you can go to the police or other authority. The important point here is to expose the bully and call him or her to account. Confrontation and exposure, with evidence to support a victim’s accusations, are what the bully tries hardest to avoid. Once exposure happens, the bullying is likely to stop.
Consider the situation. Kenneth Westhues, a sociology professor at the University of Waterloo, Ont., says it is easier to deal with a bully outside the workplace, where your livelihood isn’t threatened. Regardless of where you are bullied, though, you need to assess your resources in comparison to the bully’s and then decide how to proceed. If it’s at work, transferring to a new department may be the simplest solution.
Take notes. Karl Aquino, a management professor at the University of British Columbia in Vancouver, suggests recording specific bullying instances. These notes can be useful if you need to bring the bullying to someone else’s attention. Writing down your experiences may have a positive effect on how you interpret and understand the situation.
Confront the bully. In some situations, simply asserting yourself could end the bullying behaviour. Confront an abusive boss, for example, and speak to her calmly, outlining your concerns and providing examples of her behaviour.
Provide consequences. If, after confronting the person, there is no response, Frema Engel, author of Taming the Beast: Getting Violence Out of the Workplace (Ashwell, 2004), suggests spelling out consequences, such as threatening to expose her behaviour. Keep in mind that it’s crucial to follow through, so be ready to act.
Report the behaviour. If the bullying continues, report it to a trusted superior. If your superior is the problem, go to human resources. If the harassment occurs outside of the workplace, such as at a sports club, speak to the administration. You can deal with a bully and change the bully’s behavior if you are willing to practice personal courage.
But, you must do something. The bully will not go away; if you make yourself an easy target, you will only encourage the bully. Here’s how to deal with your office bully.
Set Limits on What You Will Tolerate From a Bully
Most importantly, once you have set the limit in your mind, exercise your right to tell the bully to stop the behavior.
You might want to rehearse these steps with a friend so that you are more comfortable responding when the bully attacks.
- Describe the behavior you see the bully exhibiting – don’t editorialize or offer opinions, just describe what you see. (You regularly enter my cubicle, lean over my shoulder, and read my personal correspondence on my computer screen.)
- Tell the bully exactly how his behavior is impacting your work. (Because much of my work is confidential, these actions make me feel as if I need to hide what I am working on from you, or change screens which is a waste of my time.)
- Tell the bully what behavior you will not put up with in the future. (In the future, you are not to enter my cubicle unless I invite you to come in. This is my private work space and your actions are unwelcome.)
- Stick with your statement and if the bully violates your space, move on to confrontation.
Confront the Bully With His Own Behavior
Confronting a bully is scary and hard. But, as Jonathan Littman and Marc Hershon suggest in I Hate People, bullies are “only effective when they’re on solid ground. Ground that you can take away.” They suggest that, “Next time he swears or heaves a phone book, call it out. Point out that he’s swearing or yelling, and leave the room. Or end the call.”
Remember: You’re the adult dealing with a tantrum. No wise parent gives in to a child’s fit because it just leads to more fits. By making statements about his conduct, you’re putting him on notice. Keep up your game and by the second or third attempt, the bull will tire of spinning his treads in the sand.
This confrontational approach works in meetings, too. If the bully is talking over you with complaints and criticisms, ask him a direct question about what he recommends instead. If that doesn’t work ask him to leave the meeting until you finish your discussion. If he refuses, end the meeting and reschedule the meeting without him.
You need to call out the bully on your terms.
Document the Bully’s Actions
Any time you are feeling bullied or experiencing bullying behavior, document the date, time and details of the incident. Note if another person witnessed the incident. If you eventually seek help from Human Resources, documentation, especially documentation of the bully’s impact on business results and success, gives HR information to work with on your behalf. The bully is not just hurting your feelings; the bully is sabotaging business success.
If the bullying occurs in email or correspondence, maintain a hard copy of the trail of emails and file them in a folder in your computer.
Your Coworkers Are Targets of the Bully, Too
Note whether the bully pulls the same behavior with your coworkers. Ask your coworkers to document the bully’s behavior and any scenes they witness when the bully targets any coworker. If five of you experience the bullying, and five of you document, then you build a case to which HR and your management can respond on solid ground. They need evidence and witnesses, even if everyone knows, that the bully is a bully.
Also, if you decide to press charges in the future, you need witnesses and documentation.
Tell Management and HR About the Bully
You’ve tried to implement these recommendations, but they aren’t working to stop the bully. It’s time to get help. Go to HR or your manager with your evidence, especially the evidence that demonstrates the impact of the bully on the business, and file a formal complaint. Most employee handbooks describe the HR investigation process that your complaint sets in motion.
Hope for the best resolution but be prepared to explore other options so you have less contact with the bully. You may even need to find a new job. You may never know what HR did about the bully; you can assess the impact by how he now treats you.
You can address the behavior of a bully in your workplace. With persistence and personal courage, you can neutralize the bully behavior and regain your conflict-free workplace.
Don’t Try The Following:
Getting into a fight. Avoid physical confrontation. Someone will get hurt. You might go to jail. It is likely that nothing will be resolved. If there is no immediate threat to life, don’t jeopardize it by brawling.
Returning the abuse. Becoming a bully yourself is an easy trap to fall into when you feel hurt and angry. Resist the temptation to lower yourself to the level of your abuser; be the stronger person.
Acting out in frustration. It’s the old story of the nasty boss, who humiliated the worker, who went home and shouted at the wife, who smacked the elder son, who punched the little sister, who pulled the dog’s tail, who ran down the path and bit the postman… Cruelty spreads like a contagious disease. It rapidly becomes epidemic. Wash your hands of it!
Bullies are tough to deal with in the workplace, school or our personal life. Being deliberately cruel to another person or group is difficult to understand for most of us. Bullying can be subtle and difficult to expose. But with support and understanding exposing the bully can be done. It is not easy and others may doubt your story. But follow the right channels and never retaliate. Never let yourself be the victim. There is always help available.
References
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sue-scheff/adult-bullying-harassment_b_4256954.html
http://humanresources.about.com/od/difficultpeople/qt/work_bully.htm
http://www.canadianliving.com/life/work/adult_bullying_how_you_can_fight_back_3.php
http://www.mentalhealthsupport.co.uk/adultbullying.html