How Can Trust Be Repaired and Rebuilt?
There are numerous areas of thought surrounding trust and rebuilding it. Let’s take a look at a few of them and you can decide what resonates with you. Unsurprisingly, studies have found that people with low self-esteem have more relationship insecurities, which can prevent them from experiencing the benefits of a loving relationship. People with low self-esteem not only want their partner to see them in a better light than they see themselves, but in moments of self-doubt, they have trouble even recognizing their partner’s affirmations. Moreover, the very acting out of our insecurities can push our partner away, thus creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Because this struggle is so internal and most of the time even independent of circumstances, it’s important to deal with our insecurities without distorting or dragging our partner into them. We can do this by taking two steps 1. Uncovering the real roots of our insecurity and 2. Challenging the inner critic that sabotages our relationship.
Knowing our attachment style is beneficial, because it can help us to realize ways we may be recreating a dynamic from our past. It can help us to choose better partners and form healthier relationships, which can actually, in turn, change our attachment style. It can also make us more aware of how our feelings of insecurity may be misplaced, based on something old as opposed to our current situation.
Our insecurities can further stem from a “critical inner voice“ that we’ve internalized based on negative programming from our past. If we had a parent who hated themselves, for example, or who directed critical attitudes toward us, we tend to internalize this point of view and carry it with us like a cruel coach inside our heads. This inner critic tends to be very vocal about the things that really matter to us, like our relationships.
Relationships challenge our core feelings and evict us from long-lived-in comfort zones. They tend to turn up the volume of our inner voice and reopen unresolved wounds from our past. If we felt abandoned as a child, the aloof behavior of a romantic partner won’t just feel like a current frustration. It has the potential to send us back into the emotional state of a terrified child, who needed our parent for survival. As hard as it may feel to connect our contemporary reactions with beliefs, attitudes and experiences from our early lives, it is an invaluable tool for getting to know ourselves, and ultimately, for challenging behaviors that don’t serve us or even fit with our real, adult life.
In order to challenge our insecurity, we have to first get to know our critical inner voice. We should try to catch it each and every time is creeps into our minds. Sometimes, it may be easy. We’re getting dressed to go out on a date, and it screeches, “You look awful! You’re so fat. Just cover yourself up. He’ll never be attracted to you.” Other times, it’ll be more sneaky, even soothing sounding, “Just keep to yourself. Don’t invest or show her how you feel, and you won’t get hurt.” This voice can even turn on our partner in ways that make us feel more insecure, “You can’t trust him. He’s probably cheating on you!” Identifying this critical inner voice is the first step to challenging it. Here you can learn specific steps you can take to conquer this inner critic and keep it from infiltrating your love life.
As we start to challenge these negative attitudes toward ourselves, we must also make an effort to take actions that go against the directives of our critical inner voice. In terms of a relationship, that means not acting out based on unwarranted insecurities or acting in any ways we don’t respect. Here are some helpful steps to take:
Maintain your independence. It’s crucial to keep a sense of ourselves separate from our partner. As Dr. Daniel Siegel has said, the goal for a relationship should be to make a fruit salad and not a smoothie. In other words, we shouldn’t forego essential parts of who we are in order to become merged into a couple. Instead, each of us should work to maintain the unique aspects of ourselves that attracted us to each other in the first place, even as we move closer. In this way, each of us can hold strong, knowing that we are a whole person in and of ourselves.
Don’t act out no matter how anxious you are. Of course, this is easier said than done, but we all know our insecurities can precipitate some pretty destructive behavior. Acts of jealousy or possessiveness can hurt our partner, not to mention us. Snooping through their text messages, calling every few minutes to see where they are, and getting mad every time they look at another attractive person – these are all acts that we can avoid no matter how anxious it makes us, and in the end, we will feel much stronger and more trusting. Even more importantly, we will be trustworthy.
Because we can only change our half of the dynamic, it’s always valuable to think about if there are any actions we take that push our partner away. If we’re acting in a way we respect, and we still don’t feel like we’re getting what we want, we can make a conscious decision to talk about it with our partner or change the situation, but we never have to feel victimized or allow ourselves to act in ways that we don’t respect.
Don’t seek reassurance. Looking to our partner to reassure us when we feel insecure only leads to more insecurities. Remember, these attitudes come from inside us, and unless we can overcome them within ourselves, it won’t matter how smart, sexy, worthy or attractive our partner tells us we are. No matter what, we must strive to feel okay within ourselves. This means really and fully accepting the love and affection our partner directs toward us. However, it doesn’t mean looking to our partner at every turn for reassurance to prove we are okay, a burden that weighs on our partner and detracts from ourselves.
Stop measuring. It’s important not to constantly evaluate or assess our partner’s every move. We have to accept that our partner is a separate person with a sovereign mind. We won’t always see things the same way or express our love in the same way. This doesn’t mean we should settle for someone who doesn’t offer us what we want in a relationship, but when we do find someone who we value and love, we should try not to enter into a tit-for-tat mentality in which we continuously measure who owes who what and when.
A relationship should be equal in terms of maturity and kindnesses exchanged. If things feel off, we can communicate clearly what we want, but we shouldn’t expect our partner to read our minds or know exactly what to do all the time. As soon as we get into the blame game, it’s a hard cycle from which to break free.
Go all in. We all have anxiety, but we can increase our tolerance for the many ambiguities that every relationship inevitably presents by being true to ourselves. We can invest in a person even when we know they have the power to hurt us. Keeping one foot out the door only keeps the relationship from becoming as close as it can and may even undermine it altogether. When we allow ourselves to be loved and to feel loving, we are bound to also feel anxious, but sticking it out has more rewards than we may imagine. When we take a chance without letting our insecurities dictate our behavior, the best case scenario is that the relationship blossoms, and the worst case is that we grow within ourselves. No time is wasted that taught us something about ourselves or that helped nourish our capacity to love and be vulnerable.
General principles for enhancing trust in a close relationship:
- Honesty and Integrity: Strive to be more honest and transparent in all your personal interactions. This requires taking the trouble to really know yourself and perhaps to face parts of your personality that may be unpleasant. However, this increased self-knowledge will enable you to gradually develop more trust in yourself and in your thoughts, feelings, and values. Living with integrity, according to your values and principles, makes you a person worthy of trust as well.
- Nondefensiveness: Learn to be less defensive in communication: Being nondefensive means that you have a realistic view of yourself and your relationships and are open to hearing feedback. Look for the kernel of truth in any feedback or criticism you receive. You may discover that you are overly sensitive to criticism about certain subjects, yet are open to discussing other subjects. In a long-term relationship, partners learn quickly which subjects are “taboo” and stop bringing them up in their conversations. However, this is precisely the kind of censorship that leads to mistrust and tension in a relationship.
- Understanding: Accept and appreciate the differences between you and your partner (or the person who you are distrusting) rather than allowing these differences to degenerate into disagreements that foster distrust. Mature relationships involve an appreciation and respect for the uniqueness of the other person. This means seeing the person as a separate individual with his or her own opinions and views.
- Direct Communication: Become more aware of any discrepancies between your words and actions. This type of self-awareness enables others to develop increased trust in each other. To enhance this mutual trust, people also need to learn how to communicate their desires and wishes more directly. When people are straightforward in asking for what they want in an intimate relationship, they feel more vulnerable and open to both loving and being loved.
- Boundaries: Having clear boundaries together is a crucial part of starting to build trust. Boundaries help you define how much space you’re comfortable with in a relationship – be this emotionally or physically. Boundaries can be about all kinds of things: how much time you need to yourself, how comfortable you are telling other people details about your relationship and so on. Having an understanding of one another’s boundaries is helpful when it comes negotiating your approach to the relationship.
- Open communication: A big part of building trust is being able to openly talk to your partner about the future of your relationship. It’s important you’re able to talk about any worries, doubts and hopes openly, as this will help you negotiate your expectations and move forward together.
- Recognize what you’ve learnt before. Most of us carry positive and negative learning from previous relationships – it’s simply a part of life. Recognizing what messages we’ve learnt and the ways in which it may be affecting our behaviour is important in avoiding making the same mistakes over and over. For example, waiting for our partner to raise a particular topic may mean you don’t every get to talk about the bit that’s important to you. Challenge these messages and take the lead.
- Be open about doubts. Many people feel guilty about having doubts in a relationship, but they’re a natural part of looking ahead long term. If you have doubts, don’t be afraid to talk to your partner about them. Often, simply being able to say them out loud will help you understand them better.
- Talk about commitment. Commitment can be a tricky issue to talk about, but it’s necessary if you want to be able to face the future with confidence. If you feel it’s time to talk about commitment, set aside some time and give the conversation the attention it deserves. Think about what commitment would look like to you and ask your partner to do the same.
Next – Betrayal happens. How to live with that knowledge.
A full list of references will be supplied at the end of the last installment of this article.