A number of psychologists recently reported that, over the past 10 years, there has been an unprecedented rise in trust issues among couples who seek counseling. According to Joe Bavonese, of the Relationship Institute in Royal Oak, Michigan, part of this increase is due to recent technological advances that make it easier for partners to be deceptive, for example, to hide text messages, cell phone call lists, Facebook friends’ messages and emails. Clearly, trust matters a great deal to a lot of people, especially to those of us who are striving to have a loving, fulfilling relationship.
Trust issues in relationships
In an intimate relationship, trust is all important. Relationship expert Shirley Glass points out that “Intimate relationships are contingent on honesty and openness. They are built and maintained through our faith that we can believe what we are being told.” In fact, trust could be thought of as the glue that holds a relationship together because it facilitates a positive emotional connection between partners based on affection, love and loyalty. Mutual trust within happy couples is reinforced by the presence of oxytocin, a neuropeptide in the brain that expedites bonding between a newborn and its mother. Loving, affectionate, and sexual exchanges between partners also release oxytocin, which, according to some scientists, “makes people trusting not gullible.”
By contrast, mistrust can disrupt even the most loving relationship. There are many situations that occur over the course of a relationship that can generate attitudes of mistrust and suspicion in one or both partners. Most people respond to deception or lying by a partner in much the same way they reacted to their parent’s lies, dishonesty, and mixed messages.
Mistrust, doubts and suspicions are strongly influenced by the critical inner voice. This destructive thought process is part of the defense system we built as children; it consists of an internal dialogue that is antagonistic to our best interests and cynical toward other people. The critical inner voice is the culprit that triggers trust issues in people’s closest relationships.
Here’s how the voice often operates in the early phases of a relationship. If we doubt ourselves, see ourselves as inadequate, or feel cynical toward other people, we are less likely to seek love and satisfaction in a relationship. When we do find someone who genuinely acknowledges and loves us, we may begin to feel anxious because their positive view of us conflicts with our negative self-image. At this point, mistrust and self-doubt can take over our rational thinking. The critical inner voice becomes stronger, telling us we don’t deserve love. Or it may focus on and exaggerate any flaws in the person who loves us, and we start being picky and critical.
People’s reactions to a partner’s dishonesty and lying are based primarily on their past experience with parents who may have betrayed their trust. In discussing the aftermath of an affair, Shirley Glass emphasizes that “Individuals who did not develop basic trust during childhood are especially vulnerable to deception by a loved one. Infidelity brings back all of those childhood wounds for a person who was lied to.”
Deception or betrayal of trust can have a more damaging effect on the relationship than the affair itself. Lies and deceit shatter the reality of others, eroding their belief in the veracity of their perceptions and subjective experience. According to Robert Firestone, “The betrayal of trust brought about by a partner’s secret involvement with another person leads to a shocking and painful realization on the part of the deceived party that the person he or she has been involved with has a secret life and that there is an aspect of his or her partner that he or she had no knowledge of.” Similarly, in Living and Loving After Betrayal, Steven Stosny claims that “Just as the harm of a gunshot wound threatens the general health of the body, intimate betrayal goes well beyond issues of trust and love to infect the way we make sense of our lives in general.”
Many people experience the critical inner voice as a kind of internal “coach” that offers bad advice about how to handle a relationship. “Remember, you have to put your best foot forward. One wrong step and you’ll end up alone.” The voice may question our partner’s commitment or love, “Why isn’t he (she ) more affectionate? “Why is he (she) always with his (her) friends.” “He (She) must not really care about you.” Other destructive thoughts reinforce any self-doubts we might already have, “No wonder he(she) stood you up. He(she) had second thoughts.” “Once he(she) gets to know you. he(she) will find out what you’re really like.”
Some of the most vicious voices are those that bombard us with anxiety-provoking thoughts predicting rejection and loss, especially in situations that where there is a potential rival, for example, “You’d better watch out! You’re going to lose him (her).What is he (she) doing! Where is he(she) going? You’d better find out. What if he (she) meets someone else at work, at that party? You can’t compete with that man/woman. You won’t be able to stand it! You won’t ever be able to meet anyone else. Your life will be over.”
Trust can also be destroyed through a partner’s indifference, criticality, contempt, and rejecting behaviors, both overt and covert. A loved one’s secrecy or deceit about abusing alcohol or drugs can obliterate trust. Deception and lies about money, family finances, or other hidden agendas can demolish people’s confidence and faith in a mate’s trustworthiness.
Mixed messages create an atmosphere of confusion and alienation in couples by breaking down feelings of mutual trust. Some people begin to doubt or distrust their partner almost as soon as they become involved because, deep down, they are afraid of intimacy and closeness. Others may respond to early indications of duplicity or untrustworthiness in their partner. For example, a young woman thought her new lover was spending less time with her than before. When she mentioned this, he insisted that he loved her as much as ever. However, his words failed to reassure her, because his actions did not fit his seemingly supportive statements. In these cases, it is important for us to give more validity to our partner’s actions rather than relying only on what they say.
Next Time: How to Rebuild that Trust
References:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201304/four-steps-relationship-repair-the-h-e-l-techniquehttp
www.huffingtonpost.com/linda-bloom-lcsw-and-charlie-bloom-msw/relationships-trust_b_3569631.html
www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/trust/our-top-tips-building-trust-your-relationship
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/is-psychology-making-us-sick/201310/building-repairing-trust-keys-sustainable-relationship
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-firestone/getting-over-relationship_b_8197988.html