How many thoughts do we have a day? Some studies have placed the number at 50000, others as high as 80000. Most of these thoughts are negative, repetitive, and serve no real purpose. It is no secret that your thoughts influence your effectiveness and your feelings, amongst other things. They affect the quality of your life. Therefore, mental skills to manage worrying are not merely a luxury – they’re a necessity.
Why People Worry
Why are some people so prone to “what if disease,” while others merely worry about something when it happens? First, worry is a reaction to a threat. People and animals react in much the same way: fight or flight. When faced with a real threat – say, someone pointing a gun at you – you don’t have the luxury of ruminating for hours on end over your options. Many people can spend hours worrying about events they are very afraid of. They think they will never cope with some imagined future anxiety or distress. But, in reality, most people cope quite adequately with whatever adversity life throws at them.
At its root, worrying is often a fear of uncertainty. In one study, it was found that worriers agonized about matters that rarely occurred. However, the majority of participants reported they believed over-thinking about a possible negative event had helped prevent it from taking place. In other words, chronic worriers operate under the misperception that their worrying allows them to control the future. Worrying becomes like a coping mechanism. It’s a kind of magical thinking, a form, albeit a tortuous and illogical one, of self-protection.
Worry is something that many people experience. It’s not the same as thinking. Thinking leads to solutions. Worrying leads nowhere. Thinking leads to action. Worrying leads to nothing. Thinking leads to relief. The problem with worrying is that it becomes a cycle of self-perpetuating negative thoughts. University of Surrey researchers described worry as “a chain of thoughts and images that are affectively negative and relatively uncontrollable.” Excessive worrying leads only to powerlessness, tiredness and exhaustion. Pay attention to the language you use when talking to yourself. Many people create worries. They say to themselves, I still have to do this, I must do that, I should do this. These self-imposed obligations are enough to give anyone a stress headache. For this reason, you have to tell yourself that you don’t have to do certain things, but that you want to do them.
There are several reasons, explains Robert L. Leahy, PhD, the author of The Worry Cure: 7 Steps to Stop Worry From Stopping You and the director of the American Institute for Cognitive Therapy in New York City. “There is a genetic component,” he says. “There are also nurture or non-nurture factors.” For example, people who come from divorced homes are 70% more likely to have generalized anxiety disorder — characterized by chronic anxiety, exaggerated worry, and tension. Overprotective parents tend to raise worriers as well, he says. “Reverse parenting may also play a role.” This occurs when the child is taking care of the parents because they are not functioning well.
“There is probably is a biological component to chronic worry, but there is also an early environment component,” agrees Sandy Taub, PsyD, a psychologist and psychoanalyst in private practice in Wilmington, Del. “The feeling of safety that ‘my mother will keep me safe’ should be internalized and grow along with you so that, for the most part, you feel secure,” she explains. “But if you had a mom who was not as available and not consistent, you can develop the mind-set that the world is not such a safe place.” Divorce and overprotection can also gnaw away at a person’s feelings of internal safety and security.
The Negative Side Of Worrying
Constant worrying takes a heavy toll. It keeps you up at night and makes you tense and edgy during the day. You hate feeling like a nervous wreck. Worriers are more likely to have irritable bowel syndrome, nausea, fatigue, and aches and pains. In addition, 93% of people with generalized anxiety disorder also have an overlapping psychiatric disorder such as depression, according to Leahy. For most chronic worriers, the anxious thoughts are fueled by the beliefs—both negative and positive—they hold about worrying. You may believe that your constant worrying is harmful, that it’s going to drive you crazy or affect your physical health. Or you may worry that you’re going to lose all control over your worrying—that it will take over and never stop.
Negative beliefs, or worrying about worrying, add to your anxiety and keep worry going. But positive beliefs about worrying can be just as damaging. It’s tough to break the worry habit if you believe that your worrying protects you. In order to stop worry and anxiety for good, you must give up your belief that worrying serves a positive purpose. Once you realize that worrying is the problem, not the solution, you can regain control of your worried mind.
Worrying doesn’t always deserve such a bad reputation. Sometimes worry is a good thing, says Bruce Levin, MD, a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst in Plymouth Meeting, Pa. “If there is an actual threat then there is something to worry about,” he says. “If you run into a bear in the woods, you have something to worry about.” In these cases, “not worrying may be more of a problem than to worry.”
How Much Is Too Much
“It depends on the degree to which that disproportionate worry affects you and how much you are suffering and how much it limits you,” he says. “If it’s posing interference in your life or is enough of a problem or nuisance that you are distressed, the good news is there is help.”
Often we have mixed feelings about our worries. On one hand, our worries are bothering us—we can’t sleep, and we can’t get these pessimistic thoughts out of our head. But these worries make sense to us. For example, we think:
- Maybe I’ll find a solution.
- I don’t want to overlook anything.
- If I keep thinking a little longer, maybe I’ll figure it out.
- I don’t want to be surprised.
- I want to be responsible.
We have a hard time giving up on our worries because, in a sense, our worries have been working for us. Telling ourselves to stop worrying doesn’t always work for everyone. We can distract ourselves or suppress anxious thoughts for a moment, but often we can’t banish them for good. In fact, trying to do so often makes them stronger and more persistent. You can test this out for yourself. Close your eyes and picture a pink elephant. Once you can see the pink elephant in your mind, stop thinking about it. Whatever you do, for the next five minutes, don’t think about pink elephants!
How did you do? Did thoughts of pink elephants keep popping in your brain?
For some people, “thought stopping” backfires because it forces you to pay extra attention to the very thought you want to avoid. You always have to be watching for it, and this very emphasis makes it seem even more important.
But that doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do to control your worry. You just need to try a different approach. This is where the strategy of postponing worrying comes in. Rather than trying to stop or get rid of an anxious thought, give yourself permission to have it, but put off thinking any more about it until later.
What To Do
Penn State researchers found in a 2011 study that a four-step stimulus control program could help seriously stressed people take control of their anxieties.
Step one: Identify the object of worry.
Step two: Come up with a time and place to think about said worry.
Step three: If you catch yourself worrying at a time other than your designated worry time, you must make a point to think of something else.
Step four: Use your “worry time” productively by thinking of solutions to the worries.
The rest of the day, however, is a worry-free zone.
A more detailed approach to this process is:
- Create a “worry period.” Choose a set time and place for worrying. It should be the same every day (e.g. in the living room from 5:00 to 5:20 p.m.) and early enough that it won’t make you anxious right before bedtime. During your worry period, you’re allowed to worry about whatever’s on your mind.
- Postpone your worry.If an anxious thought or worry comes into your head during the day, make a brief note of it on paper and postpone it to your worry period. Remind yourself that you’ll have time to think about it later, so there’s no need to worry about it right now. Postponing worrying is effective because it breaks the habit of dwelling on worries in the present moment. Yet there’s no struggle to suppress the thought or judge it. Save it for later and continue to go about your day. As you develop the ability to postpone your anxious thoughts, you’ll start to realize that you have more control over your worrying than you think.
- Go over your “worry list” during the worry period. Reflect on the worries you wrote down during the day. If the thoughts are still bothering you, allow yourself to worry about them, but only for the amount of time you’ve specified for your worry period. If the worries don’t seem important any more, cut your worry period short and enjoy the rest of your day.
Another suggestion to help deal with worries is; if a worry pops into your head, start by asking yourself whether the problem is something you can actually solve. The following questions can help:
- Is the problem something you’re currently facing, rather than an imaginary what-if?
- If the problem is an imaginary what-if, how likely is it to happen? Is your concern realistic?
- Can you do something about the problem or prepare for it, or is it out of your control?
Productive, solvable worries are those you can take action on right away. For example, if you’re worried about your bills, you could call your creditors to see about flexible payment options. Unproductive, unsolvable worries are those for which there is no corresponding action. “What if I get cancer someday?” or “What if my kid gets into an accident?”
Problem solving involves evaluating a situation, coming up with concrete steps for dealing with it, and then putting the plan into action. As previously mentioned worrying, on the other hand, rarely leads to solutions. No matter how much time you spend dwelling on worst-case scenarios, you’re no more prepared to deal with them should they actually happen.
If the worry is solvable, start brainstorming. Make a list of all the possible solutions you can think of. Try not to get too hung up on finding the perfect solution. Focus on the things you have the power to change, rather than the circumstances or realities beyond your control. After you’ve evaluated your options, make a plan of action. Once you have a plan and start doing something about the problem, you’ll feel much less worried.
But what if the worry isn’t something you can solve? If you’re a chronic worrier, the vast majority of your anxious thoughts probably fall in this camp. In such cases, it’s important to tune into your emotions. Worrying helps you avoid unpleasant emotions. Worrying keeps you in your head, thinking about how to solve problems rather than allowing yourself to feel the underlying emotions. But you can’t worry your emotions away. While you’re worrying, your feelings are temporarily suppressed, but as soon as you stop, the tension and anxiety bounces back. And then, you start worrying about your feelings, “What’s wrong with me? I shouldn’t feel this way!”
The only way out of this vicious cycle is by learning to embrace your feelings. This may seem scary at first because of negative beliefs you have about emotions. For example, you may believe that you should always be rational and in control, that your feelings should always make sense, or that you shouldn’t feel certain emotions, such as fear or anger. The truth is that emotions—like life—are messy. They don’t always make sense and they’re not always pleasant. But as long as you can accept your feelings as part of being human, you’ll be able to experience them without becoming overwhelmed and learn how to use them to your advantage.
The inability to tolerate uncertainty plays a huge role in anxiety and worry. Chronic worriers can’t stand doubt or unpredictability. They need to know with 100 percent certainty what’s going to happen. Worrying is seen as a way to predict what the future has in store—a way to prevent unpleasant surprises and control the outcome. The problem is, it doesn’t work.
Thinking about all the things that could go wrong doesn’t make life any more predictable. You may feel safer when you’re worrying, but it’s just an illusion. Focusing on worst-case scenarios won’t keep bad things from happening. It will only keep you from enjoying the good things you have in the present. So if you want to stop worrying, start by tackling your need for certainty and immediate answers.
Challenging intolerance of uncertainty: The key to anxiety relief
Ask yourself the following questions and write down your responses. See if you can come to an understanding of the disadvantages and problems of being intolerant of uncertainty.
- Is it possible to be certain about everything in life?
- What are the advantages of requiring certainty, versus the disadvantages? Or, how is needing certainty in life helpful and unhelpful?
- Do you tend to predict bad things will happen just because they are uncertain? Is this a reasonable thing to do? What is the likelihood of positive or neutral outcomes?
- Is it possible to live with the small chance that something negative may happen, given its likelihood is very low?
- If you suffer from chronic anxiety and worries, chances are you look at the world in ways that make it seem more dangerous than it really is. For example, you may overestimate the possibility that things will turn out badly, jump immediately to worst-case scenarios, or treat every negative thought as if it were fact. You may also discredit your own ability to handle life’s problems, assuming you’ll fall apart at the first sign of trouble. These irrational, pessimistic attitudes are known as cognitive distortions.
- Although cognitive distortions aren’t based on reality, they’re not easy to give up. Often, they’re part of a lifelong pattern of thinking that’s become so automatic you’re not even completely aware of it. In order to break these bad thinking habits and stop the worry and anxiety they bring, you must retrain your brain.
- Start by identifying the frightening thought, being as detailed as possible about what scares or worries you. Then, instead of viewing your thoughts as facts, treat them as hypotheses you’re testing out. As you examine and challenge your worries and fears, you’ll develop a more balanced perspective.
- What’s the evidence that the thought is true? That it’s not true?
- Is there a more positive, realistic way of looking at the situation?
- What’s the probability that what I’m scared of will actually happen?
- If the probability is low, what are some more likely outcomes?
- Is the thought helpful? How will worrying about it help me and how will it hurt me?
What would I say to a friend who had this worry?
Cognitive Distortions that Add to Anxiety, Worry, and Stress |
| All-or-nothing thinking – Looking at things in black-or-white categories, with no middle ground. “If I fall short of perfection, I’m a total failure.” |
| Overgeneralization – Generalizing from a single negative experience, expecting it to hold true forever. “I didn’t get hired for the job. I’ll never get any job.” |
| The mental filter – Focusing on the negatives while filtering out all the positives. Noticing the one thing that went wrong, rather than all the things that went right. |
| Diminishing the positive – Coming up with reasons why positive events don’t count. “I did well on the presentation, but that was just dumb luck.” |
| Jumping to conclusions – Making negative interpretations without actual evidence. You act like a mind reader, “I can tell she secretly hates me.” Or a fortune teller, “I just know something terrible is going to happen.” |
| Catastrophizing – Expecting the worst-case scenario to happen. “The pilot said we’re in for some turbulence. The plane’s going to crash!” |
| Emotional reasoning – Believing that the way you feel reflects reality. “I feel frightened right now. That must mean I’m in real physical danger.” |
| ‘Shoulds’ and ‘should-nots’ – Holding yourself to a strict list of what you should and shouldn’t do and beating yourself up if you break any of the rules |
| Labeling – Labeling yourself based on mistakes and perceived shortcomings. “I’m a failure; an idiot; a loser.” |
| Personalization – Assuming responsibility for things that are outside your control. “It’s my fault my son got in an accident. I should have warned him to drive carefully in the rain.” |
Working with these distortions
- A good method of applying this knowledge of distortions would be the three column method. You could write it down, but it is also easy enough to do mentally.
- Simply get into the habit of monitoring your thoughts. Once you catch a thought, write it down in the first column. Next to it, write down the distortion(s) that you think apply. And in the third column, write down a healthy interpretation; one without any distortions.
- The next time you catch yourself with a distorted thought, stop and replace it with your healthier interpretation. This is a skill that can be hard to master, but the results are worth it.
Suggestions
- Keep a worry diary. You may not be aware of how people or situations are affecting you. Maybe this is the way it’s always been in your family, or you’ve been dealing with the stress so long that it feels normal. You may want to keep a worry diary for a week or so. Every time you start to worry, jot down the thought and what triggered it. Over time, you’ll start to see patterns.
- Spend less time with people who make you anxious. Is there someone in your life who drags you down or always seems to leave you feeling stressed? Think about cutting back on the time you spend with that person or establish healthier relationship boundaries. For example, you might set certain topics off-limits, if you know that talking about them with that person makes you anxious.
- Choose your confidantes carefully. Know who to talk to about situations that make you anxious. Some people will help you gain perspective, while others will feed into your worries, doubts, and fears.
- Thinking of the opposite.This is a simple one. It stands to reason that most distracting thoughts are negative, and therefore have opposites. Simply reflect on the opposite – not just thinking about it, but feeling it as well. If you are angry, think of something happy. Your favourite nephew, or a happy place. Feel it with your whole body.
- Physical movement.Research has also shown that getting physical can allow you to “get out of your head.” If possible, leave the situation you are in. Ask for a toilet break and go for a stretch, or practice deep breathing. If it is not a pressing matter, you might take a longer break and go to the gym to get a sweat going.
- Think of the misery it causes.With this technique, you go a bit deeper. Look past the thoughts, and see what they are costing you. Really reflect on it. If you are distracted at work by anger from your morning argument, then see what it is costing you. Are you affecting your co-workers? Are you performing poorly? Are you endangering your job? Once you realise this, your resolve to stop thinking those thoughts are strengthened.
- This technique is simply letting your thoughts slide by without attaching to them. Realize that thoughts are just that: thoughts. They don’t have any power beyond what you give them. You don’t have to believe them, or act on them. Just acknowledge them, and let them go. A good analogy would be to think of your mind as large blank white screen. Your thoughts are ants, scurrying across the screen. Don’t judge them, analyse them, condemn them, or hate them. Just watch them run across the screen – in one end and out the other. If you prod and play with them, they will lose their way and get stuck on the screen for a longer time than necessary.
- Prepare a mantra that works for you. It usually has to be forceful. Examples of these are: “Stop!” “Enough!” “No more!” “Lies!” The moment you catch yourself with an unwanted thought, interrupt the chain of thoughts with your forceful mental exclamation.
- “Repeat a feared thought over and over and it will become boring and will go away,” Leahy says. If your fear is dying ofcancer, look in the mirror and say, “I may die of cancer. I may die of cancer.” Say it enough and it will lose its power.
- Worriers feel that they can’t tolerate discomfort, but if you practice discomfort, you will accomplish a lot more,” Leahy says. “The goal is to be able to do what you don’t want to do or things that make you uncomfortable. “Worriers tend to avoid new things and situations that make them uncomfortable, such as parties or public speaking engagements. The preemptive worry helps them avoid discomfort, but if you force yourself to do the very things that make you uncomfortable, you will rely less on worry as a coping strategy.
- “Worried people often have a sense of urgency,” Leahy says. “They think, ‘I need the answer right now and if I don’t get it then something terrible will happen.'” Look at the advantages and disadvantages of demanding such urgency. “Rather than focus on the sense of urgency, instead focus on what you observe right now,” Leahy says. “Ask yourself, ‘What can I do in the present moment to make my life more pleasant or meaningful?'” he says. “You can either focus your mind on getting an answer right now or focus on improving the moment.” The latter is the better strategy. Take a deep breath, read, or listen to music to stop the clock and curtail youranxiety.
- It’s never as bad as you think it will be.Anxiety or worry is all about anticipation. The ‘what ifs’ are always way worse than how you feel when something actually happens. “Worriers tend to worry about things that even if they happen, they can handle it,” Leahy says. “Worriers are actually good at handling real problems.”
- Cry out loud.”The emotional part of the brain — the amygdala — is suppressed when you worry,” Leahy explains. “The emotion kicks in later with gastrointestinal symptoms, fatigue or rapid heart rate. Use your emotions; don’t try to get rid of them because when you are crying or angry, you are not worried.”
- Talk about it.Beside the cognitive therapy techniques mentioned above — which can help change troublesome behaviors — talk therapy can also help chronic worriers worry less by getting to the root of their issues.
- Writing about the event in the present tense in as much detail as possible. Write down exactly what you’re saying, feeling and thinking and what others are saying. Then write down what you found out about yourself in the situation and what you would do next time you’re faced with a similar scenario. Ask yourself to what extent things could have turned out differently, and how much control you had over things. ‘It is important to understand that everyone makes mistakes and everyone takes risks,’ he says. ‘You cannot live life without them. The important thing is to try to accept the errors you made and to learn from them.’
We have many thoughts throughout the day. Some of those thoughts become worries. We all worry at times in our lives, but what we do with it is the important thing. Do we let worries control us or do we control them? Not letting worries affect the quality of our life is one of the ways to keep our mental health in check. Using mental skills to do this is an excellent way to prevent worries from taking over our thoughts and lives. Try practicing some of the suggestions in this article and see if they can help you achieve greater mental health.
References
The Worry Cure: Seven Steps to Stop Worry from Stopping You by Robert L. Leahy, Ph.D.
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/how-to-stop-worrying.htm
Adapted from: Accepting Uncertainty, Centre for Clinical Interventions
http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/9-steps-to-end-chronic-worrying
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1305297/You-CAN-stop-worrying-How-train-brain-kick-habit.html
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/01/stop-worrying-anxiety-cycle_n_4002914.html